What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 02:55
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
What did i know ?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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She married twice! .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And i lived it daily.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was very sick at this time too.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Ive learnt so much.
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
Put me off passion for life!!
I will be 64.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
After 70 years of the crappiest computers ever made, why does IBM exist?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was seconnd youngest,
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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My life is so biszare .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But, we were locked up after school.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why did i forgive my father ?
This is soul school!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Comes on , in middle age.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We were not on the streets..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One cannot live in the past .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I said to her
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It was going to be , some day.
When she asked me how she looked .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We all went to grammer schools
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So, i spoilt her more .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
All the time i was locked up.
I write beautiful poetry .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My family never makes their pension either.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was in good health!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I think the readers, may guess!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I don,t even have a pension.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I could never make a relationship work though!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He knew the spot.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Would this be the day?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She wouldn,t have been !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But it wasn’t much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
So whats the point in blame.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I have no regrets .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I waited trembling.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She found it foreign!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Who then, do I blame.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im still living with it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was scared of men, in general
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was 9 years of age.
She loved him until the end.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I couldn’t, believe it.